take a stroll with me

i've been looking through some old pictures and it makes me think back.. there were times in my life when i was happy! really happy.. i miss those times.. there was never anyone who understood me or anyone who thought the way i did and they might not have ever accepted me.. none the less i was happy.. there were a few people who really could get under my skin and piss me off at times but the good was just as good as the bad was bad.. and the bad was really bad! it makes me wonder what path am i taking now.. where am i headed, what do i want and how can i get it? why waste my time sparing others feelings when i know they have nothing to offer me in anyway.. why let someone think they are helping me when really they are only helping themselves.. why cling on to a man who clearly only desires one thing just because i know he will never get it? are there really any people in life who don't belittle you in someway?? whether they mean to or not and does it make a difference what their intention is? i feel there are some people i should reach out to but at the same time i don't see the point.. is it going to change the past? will it make me feel any better? its not like i am going to be able to share anything with them anytime soon.. there are so many things in life that i want to do that i want to be! am i taking the wrong path.. i love photography and when i participate in it it brings me great relief and joy.. and after the pictures are taken i feel accomplished.. but lately i feel i have been lacking the passion out of all the things i feel i love i have sunk so low that i haven't been inspired to do any of them.. have had ideas for songs.. images.. paintings but haven't had the drive to make any of those things come true.. however there is one thing i have continued to do.. write..

i keep a what some would call a journal.. to me its just a book that i put my thoughts down in.. plan my finances... document things i want to remember a line from a song i sang up at work.. i've never stopped writing through the pain.. even if it wasn't a grand poem of an amazing song.. if all it was about was some idiot broke my pen running to catch a train he was gonna miss anyway.. it was pen to paper.. i'm not sure how but i need to make this into something..

while i was at battery park with cam and deron i was looking at all the skaters thinking i need that! something that i loved and people who loved it just as much.. i need to find an activity that makes me forget the pain.. i need to find people to share it with.. i love my friend i truly do! but there is no coexisting outlet.. no shared passion.. its hard because i don't even know what my passion is outside of honesty and expression.. i spend to much time at work to enjoy life.. but with out spending that time at work i wouldn't stand a chance anyway! i want to work in retail terribly and yet it scares me so much to freaking follow up call after i turn in a ..

i need to go get a got damn library card! i love to read to imagine! oooooh maybe i should join a book club! ahchacha! and actually wake up to swim! i feel like i've wrote more than anyone would want to read in one blog! so imma leave it off here.. until next time

love,
niq